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Evil Incarnate

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[01 Mar 2004|12:11am]
And they said we were foolish to concern ourselves with the off-screen lives of our actors.

Robert, our congratulations. Again. A well earned honor.

Peter, congratulations to you as well.

To the actors, do remember, it isn't over until the last DVD.
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[text message sent to chairmanshaye] [25 Jan 2004|10:58pm]
And they say oppression doesn't pay.

Congratulations, Robert.
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[16 Dec 2003|08:48pm]
On the eve of theatrical release of Return of the King in America (rest assure, however, that we care for all of the fans of this movie franchise, not just those stateside) we are reminded of why we work in this business.

The collective efforts of the actors we work for will be on screen for all to see and enjoy. This climax of several years of hard work and dedication. It is thrilling, indeed.

Oftentimes, we in PR feel we are misunderstood, our intentions maligned and our empathy overlooked, yet, when we can sense the anticipation for this film, when we can feel the emotion as this all comes to an end, we can forgive those that would seek to claim we do anything but care for the actors of this franchise.

We hope everyone enjoys the "ride."

Of course, our work is hardly done. There is a small ceremony happening at the end of February that we are interested in, and it is our duty and our charge to ensure that Chairman Shaye enjoys the ceremony as well.

And, of course, there is work yet to be done on the DVDs. Such is our life, busier and busier. But we are glad for the work, we are glad that this franchise will not end with the theatrical release of the final film in the trilogy. We are glad that we will still be able to work with the actors. We do so care for them, and it would sadden us to have that work cease.

Thus, we leave with a truism, modified to suit these times and this franchise and our Work:

It isn't over until the last DVD is released.
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[email to tallest] [12 Dec 2003|12:20am]
Dear Dominic,

After reading your inspiring words in Ted Casablanca's latest column, we wished to send you a brief note of admiration and appreciation.

It is heartening to know there are those in this world whom refuse to be limited by narrow-minded stereotypes and old fashioned notions of gender roles and behaviors. To see such an attitude from one of the actors we represent is a wonderful thing. If one mind is changed as a result of your insightful comments, then that is a good thing.

Perhaps you have a career in activism waiting for you when you tire of the Hollywood game we must all play.

Best regards,

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[memo from the_pr] [02 Dec 2003|11:21pm]
To: chairmanshaye
Re: Recent events


We have just returned to LA, so forgive us for the brevity of this note.

It seems our trust was misplaced in the staff of the Adagio Hotel. Can you believe they were shut down for violating every health code in New Zealand? To think we let the actors stay there. We are thankful nothing happened to them. We kindly offered the displaced staff positions amongst our PR crew, so that they might experience a bit of the Hollywood limelight and service the media on the many premieres we have scheduled. All of them accepted the positions readily, how amazing.

At any rate, the New Zealand premiere went off fairly well. When dealing with actual people, one cannot always maintain the proper level of control but with thanks to ian_the_gay, badboybilleh and lijismine, we are satisfied with the premiere.

As you know, tomorrow is the Los Angeles premiere, we are hoping for similar results. In the event of anything unexpected happening, we are, as always, prepared to deal with it. Our thanks for clearing out that warehouse in West Hollywood. It is tricky to find storage on such short notice in the greater Los Angeles area.

We hope to see you at the premiere.

Best regards,


P.S. Our colleagues at Disney have informed us that walts_head was rather upset with the scarf worn by the Orlando likeness at the press conference. We can't understand why. It is merely a native design, something to allow Mr. Bloom to better remember his time in New Zealand. We hardly see what the fuss is about, and Orlando himself was quite taken with the scarf when we gave it to him, proudly displaying it before boarding the flight back to Los Angeles. Certainly if we knew the scarf would have such an effect on walts_head, we would never have dreamed of letting it see the light of day.

In any event, frozen heads in jars can be irrational in their delusions of grandeur at times, so we suggest you have an intern carefully screen your mail for the time being.
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[email to Disney_PR] [20 Nov 2003|12:23am]
To: Disney_PR
From: the_pr
Re: Our recent discussions

Dear Colleagues,

Per our recent conversations, we are quite pleased to report no problems with the prototypes you have so kindly sent us.

Naturally, we have no intention of using them for anything other than satisfying our curiosity with technology. The plans are quite helpful in that regard as well. Our technical colleagues (all good PR departments have them, aren't they helpful? One can't always trust outside sources) are fascinated by them.

Our sincere thanks for your help. Our studios have been at odds recently but surely the cooperation between us shows that trivial concerns can be put aside for the greater good of entertainment.

Looking forward to meeting with you again when we are back in Los Angeles.

Best regards,

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[voicemail left for pr_goon] [21 Oct 2003|08:42pm]
Bob, we are stopping by your hotel room. Do be prepared to greet us. We will be there in 20 minutes.
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[email to Chairman Shaye] [19 Oct 2003|01:16pm]
To: chairmanshaye
Re: The actors


Just a quick note to update you on a few things.

The set was cleared of all pesticides and work resumed quite some time ago on filming. At the time work resumed, Peter told us that he was concentrating on special effects shots, using the models and the likenesses and such. Therefore, we decided it would be best to keep the actors at the Adagio Hotel for the time being. It makes things much easier for all parties involved. The staff was informed of this and they have agreed to keep the actors occupied.

On a totally unrelated note, they have also installed a new security system. We think Michael would like to see some of the tapes. Shall we inquire?

Best regards,


P.S. Did you enjoy Sir Ian's recent E-Post? How clever of him, to see through the attempted trickery. He passes his good wishes on to you and thanks you for the case of Crown Royale.
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[voicemail left for bigature] [05 Oct 2003|06:38pm]
Richard, we wish to speak with you about the recent performances of certain likenesses at the recent convention in Milton Keynes. Please stop by our temporary offices.

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[memo from the_pr] [09 Sep 2003|07:55pm]
To: chairmanshaye
Re: Various things
Date: 9/9/03

Dear Robert,

We apologize for our recent lack of communication. We have been quite busy lately. We shall update you and then address your concerns regarding Disney.

As you are well aware, it was necessary to shutdown the set for fumigation. One of the actors returned from a brief sojourn to Asia with some friends. Said friends quickly introduced themselves to other members of the cast and caused quite a lot of discomfort.

Naturally such interruptions are not to be tolerated and we were asked by Peter to remedy the situation. We did so, to what we hope were effective ends.

The set was evacuated and everyone was removed to the fine Adagio Hotel for treatment whether they needed it or not. We would have been remiss if we did not exercise utmost care and precaution.

While everyone was being treated, the set and all nearby residences were fumigated. We are currently waiting for the last of the pesticides to disperse before we allow the set to re-open. We are confident things will be up and running by the end of this week and next Monday will see the camera rolling again.

We believe everyone is enjoying their stay at the Adagio Hotel. Rest assured the staff understands the need for utmost discretion.

With that in mind, we are of course aware of the need for alternate news for a few of our actors. We are sure you will be glad to know that young Mr. Wood’s appendicitis surgery went well. Amazingly, no one knew the poor boy was ill. Another amazing fact is how his time in the hospital coincides with any false reports of time spent in a New Zealand prison. And, yet again, how amazing that his recovery time coincides with the currently enhances population of the Adagio Hotel. The world works in mysterious ways, does it not? We shall be sure to send him some flowers.

Do try to contain your disappointment, but shame that Mr. Monaghan was unable to visit his dear friend as he was in Scotland visiting his other dear friend, Mr. Boyd.

WETA really has done some amazing work lately. Perhaps Peter should consider bonuses. They even managed to quickly rebuild the likeness of Mr. Mortensen so he could “accompany” Mr. “Monaghan” on his trip to Scotland to see Mr. “Boyd.”

Technology is grand, is it not?

That, as they say, is all the news that is fit and unfit to print.

Now to address your question of some weeks ago:

We have no doubt that you did indeed receive a phone call from Walt Disney’s cryogenically frozen head. Our colleagues at Disney PR apprised us of this situation when they called regarding the whereabouts of Mr. Bloom.

So the calls you are getting are genuine. We would suggest you forget about them. Really, what can a head in a jar do? Perhaps you could have one of the interns serve as your voicemail. It could be a learning experience.

You are, of course, aware of Mr. Bloom’s importance to Disney, much like the importance of Mr. Wood to the very health New Line Cinema. Disney’s head is certainly aware. It has rather grandiose and megalomaniacal ideas that strike us as rather far-fetched for a head in a jar but he is not our employer and it is really not our concern. Though we do feel for our colleagues at Disney PR.

We are getting distracted from our tale.

When we went to Hawaii to retrieve the Elves, we encountered Disney PR and Disney’s head. We were aware that this might happen and brought along the likeness of Mr. Bloom. Mr. Taylor from WETA had protested mightily but we could no be swayed by his pleas, moving as they were.

As we suspected, Disney’s head was quite taken with the likeness. “Better than the real thing,” is a direct quote. Please know that we were loathe to part with the likeness, for the very reason so eloquently put forth by Disney’s head but we still need Mr. Bloom’s services in New Zealand for the documentary.

Our own documentarian, Mr. Pinkie, told us in rather strident terms that he simply could not justify filming likenesses as opposed to the genuine articles. It would be an insult to his artistic integrity, he told us. We could hardly refuse him after such an impassioned speech, the documentary is quite important, after all. But is his integrity not heartening? It is rare, indeed.

We do hope your questions and concerns have been answered.

Best regards.

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[30 Aug 2003|02:05am]
*PR and Bob stand in front of Orlando's door*

*Knock, knock*

*No answer*

*They knock again*
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[29 Aug 2003|05:19pm]
It has come to our attention that several actors and crew have become infected with a rather troublesome infestation.

You can all imagine that this just won't do.

Therefore, everyone will be evacuated for treatment and the set will be fumigated this weekend.

We have booked several rooms at the Adagio Hotel. Cars are available to take you there or you can take yourself there.

We realize this is short notice but we ask that everyone vacate the set within the next two hours, the exterminators will be arriving around that time.

We will be making rounds with pr_goon to assure that everyone has vacated the premises.

Take this notice seriously. If you do not remove yourselves from the set, we will remove you, for your own good and the good of others. Please do not attempt to resist us.

You are all well aware as to the discomfort this has caused along with the disruptions to shooting, obviously this cannot continue.

But consider this a break of sorts, we are sure you will all find the Adagio Hotel to be well appointed and accommodating.
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[voice mail left for pr_goon] [30 Jul 2003|09:17pm]

The Elves have been taken by Russians. Find them.

We expect progress reports.

Do not delay.
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[30 Jul 2003|09:15pm]
PR has a chat with Disney PRCollapse )

[memo from the desk of the_pr [27 Jul 2003|03:08pm]
[ mood | productive ]

To: All cast and crew
Re: Special project


We are glad to see that everyone is enjoying their time in New Zealand, we certainly are. But where there is pleasure, there is also business and that brings us to the point of this memo.

We at New Line feel that it would be beneficial to the franchise to have another documentary filmed. You will all recall the success of the program that aired prior to release of TTT. We seek to replicate that success.

As a result, the documentary crew will be arriving in New Zealand tomorrow and filming will commence the following day. The crew will be made aware of your respective schedules and will endeavor to respect them. We would never dream of having this little documentary interrupt re-shoots. We know our priorities.

Do please try to cooperate with the crew as they will try to cooperate with you. Remember, what benefits New Line benefits us all.

In fact, in the spirit of cooperation, we extend an invitation to lijismine. Sean, if you are willing, we would like you to direct the documentary. Do please speak to the head of the crew if you are interested. His name is Mr. Pinkie. A strange moniker, but one must humor artists.

Best regards,


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[27 Jul 2003|03:06pm]
[ mood | satisfied ]

Yes, we do like being in New Zealand.

*lights cigarettes*

[email to chairmanshaye] [07 Jul 2003|10:15pm]
To: chairmanshaye
Date: 7/7/03
Re: Special Project


We have decided to take advantage of the currently enhanced population of New Zealand, what with all the actors being there again for re-shoots.

You will recall that the WB network "documentary" which aired before release of TTT was very popular. We feel that a similar program needs to be produced prior to the climax of this wonderful cinematic experience. Having the actors back in New Zealand, along with the fine editing facilities of WETA, provides the perfect opportunity.

Naturally we are aware that the term "documentary" is a bit of a misnomer as a proper documentary would span endless reels of film. Nevertheless, we still feel that an accurate and entertaining picture of the special and unique world that was the LOTR film shoot can be drawn.

We have perused the schedules of the actors to note who is available as we would never seek to put this little project above re-shoots. We are sure you will be disappointed (just as we were) to note that Dom and Elijah are too busy to lend their talents to this project. We are sorry indeed. Of course we must consider the wishes of the fans and even if Dom and Elijah are unavailable to the documentary crew, we feel that stock footage and judicious use of WETA facilities will to suffice. No doubt it will also disappoint you to learn that Christopher and John are likewise unavailable. Shame.

With so many fine actors to busy with re-shoots we are fortunate that Sir Ian, Orlando, Billy, Sean, Viggo and Karl are all available. Here are a few brief notes on each of the main participants:

· Sir Ian lends the sincerity necessary to an important project such as this. And his insight into certain issues will no doubt enhance the scope and appeal of this project. We are sure he will be cooperative as ever. Perhaps you can give him a ring to stress the need for his participation and cooperation. We will also speak to him on a similar note.

· Orlando, of course, appeals to the young fans but we feel he has crossover potential. His is a heartwarming and charming story indeed. Young unknown hurtles towards stardom riding an arrow shot from the bow of Legolas. We are touched just thinking about it. We thought he might re-enact the capsizing that occurred, we are sure a repeat of events will lose none of the charm without the presence of the unfortunately unavailable John.

· Sean, as you are aware, has a desire and a talent for directing. We feel it would be beneficial to offer him the chance to “direct” this documentary. And he can no doubt help to make up for the absence of Elijah. Surely he has many a tale to tell about his young friend. We shall be sure to tell him to not get too risque.

· Regarding Billy, well, everyone loves a Scottish accent. And similarly to Sean, he can help to make up for the absence of his busy friend, Dom, as he too, we are sure, has a story or two to tell. Also keep in mind that the recent fan magazine interview between Dom and Billy was quite well received. We shall seek to reproduce something similar in nature in this documentary, even with Dom unavailable to complete the pair.

· Speaking of a pair, how fortunate that Viggo and Karl are both available to appear in this documentary. Friendship, after all, plays an important role in these movies and how touching it will be to see the friendship of Aragorn and Eomer extended beyond the silver screen. And, of course, this allows us to show the documentary in Japan. Surely you remember the popularity of those photos.

The above is merely a brief outline of what we hope to see. If you have any suggestions, please let us know as we are planning to send more detailed instructions to the documentary crew. Also, we would appreciate it if you would alert Peter as to the need to grant full access to the WETA studios to the documentary crew. It is very necessary that such access be granted.

New Zealand is quite lovely. We shall send you a postcard.

Best regards,

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[07 Jul 2003|10:11pm]
We do like New Zealand.

No doubt you are all wondering why we are here.

Well, you shall soon see.
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[05 Jul 2003|02:10pm]
[ mood | busy ]

We are coming to New Zealand.

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[04 Jul 2003|12:57am]
[ mood | amused ]


Such drama.

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